Annie in wonderland

    I forgot to do the meditation last night, but I am noticing that even with the one I am actively looking for options and getting over what I could consider a pity party and I am using the tools and programs that are open to me to work towards my goals and to set aside what goals are unachievable to me due to my disabilities or illness. But I know that I just need to work harder and that also means asking for help becoming more resilient and not “wasting time” on the internet and making excuses. But I am noticing that I am starting to go after my goals and work to get my health back and that is including my mental and physical health, and this is including facing things that I don’t want to face such as conflict, but I am reaching out to people in my personal life to have friends that are a diverse network. I am also going to look at the mission drift on the blogs and YouTube and look at whether they are even worth the heartache of continuing. Please let me know if it is worth

  It’s a Saturday morning and I am going to a club I attend, and it is focused on gardening, and I am seeing that it’s an interesting dynamic, of older people and younger people. But what I have noticed is that I am the one constantly reaching out to people.  I was able to gain some needed perspective as well.  I am stepping back for a while to focus on myself and catching up on organizing my home and health as I have had constantly for several months my platelets sky high. (This is my white blood cells that are the packman of the body) I am also studying at the moment and have let myself get very disorganized due to my health. I am also not a very nice person to be around at the moment due to my being in constant pain I have had several bad days and I haven’t been able to access the support I needed. So, I am taking the time to reflect on this as well. However I am realising that I am my own worst enemy and I do at times lash out at the very people who are paid to support me and t

  So, I must just get this out of my system, and I am seeing why I am not manifesting what I want in my life. The first one is I am not putting in the work, so the meditation to find the blockages in my life as are becoming very apparent to me, and some things I can’t control but others I can, and I am willing to tell you why. In my house (I live in what is called a SIL house, this is short for Supported Independent Living) it’s a type of housing for people with disability but is more for people with mental health needs or like myself psychosocial disabilities. So, people who would otherwise fall between the cracks in support, but we have one support worker that through the virtue of her relationship’s in the company. She is essentially allowed to get away with a lot more and simply feels the need to be the adult in the room and “direct traffic, this is annoying the other support workers as they have had to pick up the slack due to them not being able to speak up to management due to

I recently posted about manifestation meditation and how I thought that I wasn’t a manifestation person and I see that this is something that was tied into something a lot deeper, my thoughts about myself as a person with a disability.   I realized that I still think about myself as an able-bodied person and wonder why I constantly get tired and sick when I am pushing myself way too hard. To achieve the things that I want to achieve, and I didn’t realize I give off either one or two vibes, these beings get out of my way I am on a mission, or extremely vulnerable and I am working on having a good solid middle ground as well in this area. It’s because I realized that I am a person with a disability, and I can’t keep up and that it ok. I had what the disability community calls internalized ablism, this isn’t to be confused with a lack of accountability, but it means that I have to regularly re-adjust my expectations of what I can do and what time frames I can do it in. I also see that

  I posted yesterday about being able to trust myself and to manifest the life I want, and I have realized that in writing it I still see myself as an able-bodied person, this at times is true but there is something that I need to accept and that is that I am not ably bodied, and this is “My truth.” My reality is that I am disabled and that short of a miracle there is nothing that is going to change it yes there is trauma around this but I see that I did learn a lot about myself and I am now working towards healing this trauma and this is where I see that I am starting to have more of an interest in what I have always had an interest in but due to my beliefs I thought that they were “evil, or forbidden” then I look at the religions I was in and what they have done historically, and I started to question things and this was the one thing that I see in most organized religions is that you need to accept the narrative that is given to you and I see that this has bled into the mass media

 This is going to be an incredibly personal post as I have been getting into manifestation, and as a part of that is a meditation and one that I did last night asking me to trust the universe and I started asking how I can trust the universe if I can’t trust myself. I have always had trust issues, which has hamstrung me. I was as a child not let down by my family, but I was “That kid” the kid that was invited to the birthday as it was expected of me. As well as the kid who was tired but didn’t get good grades. I still can’t watch the good dinosaur as I burst into tears it does hit me close to home about needing more time, but how much more did I need? There also wasn’t the information and the support we have now. I have also spent a lot of time and money trying to fix gaps in my education, but am trying to accept myself for who I am. This is challenging for me as I think that I am trustworthy, but I can’t trust myself, so the question is how I learn to trust myself as, as it’s not