Manifestation and Being able to trust myself.

 This is going to be an incredibly personal post as I have been getting into manifestation, and as a part of that is a meditation and one that I did last night asking me to trust the universe and I started asking how I can trust the universe if I can’t trust myself.

I have always had trust issues, which has hamstrung me. I was as a child not let down by my family, but I was “That kid” the kid that was invited to the birthday as it was expected of me. As well as the kid who was tired but didn’t get good grades. I still can’t watch the good dinosaur as I burst into tears it does hit me close to home about needing more time, but how much more did I need? There also wasn’t the information and the support we have now. I have also spent a lot of time and money trying to fix gaps in my education, but am trying to accept myself for who I am.

This is challenging for me as I think that I am trustworthy, but I can’t trust myself, so the question is how I learn to trust myself as, as it’s not so much about outright lies or not acting with integrity but sometimes I do question do I have integrity and what does that mean for me.  Because it means different things to different people.

I will then ask myself if I am acting with integrity if I can’t trust myself and why I feel like I can’t. I do try to tell the truth and say things as they are and tell the truth as I see it, but that is where I am hitting the snags that I see things very differently.  Having hidden parts of myself for so long I think that I am constantly hypervigilant in protecting myself from harm, from having experienced harm from support workers and having them harass me and verbally abuse me. It is only now that I am starting to recover from it and even now, I do have workers that I am scared to go to, and I don’t have a say in who cares for me in my housing situation.  Even now I do have support works that I don’t feel safe around, so I do what is called masking and masking is exhausting, it is pretending to “fit in” or do what you need help with alone, so you don’t have to talk to the person or interact with them.

Also, I am afraid of being disliked and this makes me a people pleaser I am working on this, but we are seeing that being a people pleaser isn’t a good thing long term.  This is something that I need to be aware of and sometimes you need to be the “bad guy” This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person it means being the “truth teller” in the situation when everyone else is tiptoeing around the situation. You become the person who is brave enough to tell the truth and let people state their case and this is sometimes needed to resolve conflict,  

 I also see that I am the person who does the “white lie’ thing which is when you are expected to say something nice and you are struggling, to find something so you say something not about the food or what they have brought but how thoughtful they were.  

Also having ADHD, I sometimes don’t think before I speak or who I am speaking to, and I wonder if I am addicted to the drama that sometimes it unintentionally creates.

But in going back to the manifestation one of the laws of manifestation is like the Buddhist concept of Dharma and Kama, so Dharma is the actions you put out into the world and Kama is what the universe gives you.

So, this being am I doing good deeds because I am a good person or because I want the glory for doing it? I also see that there is a difference and it is a very slight difference between gossip and information sharing, as well as considering whom I am sharing the information with, if it is my housemate I think very carefully about this as I don’t want her privacy violated, but then if it is a support worker acting in a very unfair way then whom do I go to that isn’t gossip, but then going to someone whom I don’t trust outside the organization well they can go into the area of gossip as it could be taken out of context.

In returning to my original question how do I start to trust in myself and my abilities and then allow the universe to remove the blocks that I have unintentionally put in my way of receiving good things from the universe? These things are, an intimate relationship, the blog and YouTube being monetized, and connections to family and friends that come naturally, and I don’t need to work on.

I am going to start being much more accountable to myself and see if I can trust myself to do what I was going to do and if I can keep to my current commitments but forgive myself if I can’t as I know that I am way too hard on myself and unintentionally isolate myself at times but that comes back to having trust issues due to being let down far too many times to count.  So I learned to count on myself to not let anyone else in, and to be wary of their motives leading to me constantly having walls up this is not great for relationships so let's see how taking the walls down when appropriate is going to go for me and being honest with the people in my life who I am close to works out and if it does remove the blocks in my life to achieving my goals.