Manifestation and a change in behavors

I recently posted about manifestation meditation and how I thought that I wasn’t a manifestation person and I see that this is something that was tied into something a lot deeper, my thoughts about myself as a person with a disability.  I realized that I still think about myself as an able-bodied person and wonder why I constantly get tired and sick when I am pushing myself way too hard. To achieve the things that I want to achieve, and I didn’t realize I give off either one or two vibes, these beings get out of my way I am on a mission, or extremely vulnerable and I am working on having a good solid middle ground as well in this area.

It’s because I realized that I am a person with a disability, and I can’t keep up and that it ok. I had what the disability community calls internalized ablism, this isn’t to be confused with a lack of accountability, but it means that I have to regularly re-adjust my expectations of what I can do and what time frames I can do it in.

I also see that this mediation and the trauma-releasing mediation is lifting to the surface a lot of emotions that I haven’t allowed myself to feel in the name of survival and this has led to a lot of emotions being stored in my body and I didn’t realize that they had been stored this way  until I started being very intentional about what is in my house, and how my spaces are organized to be organized as a person I didn’t realize how not only the body holds energy but spaces hold energy and letting it go it important for our physical and mental health.

I am also seeing an improvement in my health that I hadn’t expected in being accountable to myself and my support team in taking responsibility for a few things in my housing facility that make things just run a bit smoother, so things like getting up at a regular time, if there is washing to be done or folded and I have the time to do it being able to do it.

Also working with the support team not against them as well has been really important and I am working though not being so care resistant to accepting care and support from my housing team and this is really important to me to be able to accept this help, but I do see that this has at times come at an emotional cost to me and I mask my emotions because of this.

This is where having the right support worker and having the ability to feel safe in my own home is really important.  I am also seeing where some really self-limiting thoughts  are coming from and I will be discussing them in more detail at a later date due to the fact that they are still painful to put onto paper and to say that this is what I believed about myself due to the way that I have been treated is really painful and to accept your limits is a massive step forward for me as well.