How to survive a horror movie ( satire ) not real advice

 

How to survive a horror movie  

This post started out as a dare from my housemates as on a Saturday afternoon when cleaning is done we watch whatever B roll strait to tv movie is on and we have worked out how to survive a horror movie, so this is a list of how to get out alive and I write it as a joke but well aware that some of these we teach young women to stay alive.  However these are intended as a joke and fun at the horror movie genre

General tips

·       Be situationally aware don’t park in dark spots.

·       Don’t go following the stranger that is following you.

·       Don’t sit in your car alone lock the doors and drive off.

·       Drive straight to your location don’t take the dark detour.

·       Don’t talk on your mobile while walking home in the dark

·       Don’t go to the second location if offered freedom.

·       Don’t answer the baby cry it’s a trap call the cops.

·       Keep your hair tied back it could become a hazard or a weapon.

·       If you use a mobility aid, use it to leave marks on your attacker.

·       Don’t take your shoes off unless they are a weapon.

·       Leave marks if they attack you.

·       If you have voice dial, use it a leave clue like where you’re traveling.

·       If you can call the cops if you order a pizza or a hot dog, they know you can’t talk.

·       Don’t drink the drink the offered or you have left even if you like them.

·       Let people know you’re going on the hike or activity and when you plan to be back.

·       Check if the menu has been taken off other peoples door as you might be stuck “ in the back rooms”

·       Don’t trust the pets

Get someone's attention by:

Yelling things that would disturb others such as fire, you’re kidnapping me, what are you going to do with me, I didn’t consent to this.

How to attract attention in a house if your captive

Turn taps on a leave them running.

Set off the smoke alarm.

If you see a mobile phone activate it google voice or similar

Don’t change as if someone has reported you missing, they are going to be looking for you in the clothes you’re where wearing. 

If offered a shower by a captor don’t take it, it’s a trap.

 

If you're in a kitchen grab a weapon:

Knife, fork (something that stab or impale)

, Fry pans, skillets, wooden cutting boards, Oil or cooking spray (Blunt force weapons)

Cleaning chemicals to squirt in eyes.  

Tea towels or cleaning cloths (strangulation weapons or trip hazards)

Don’t look in the fridge or walk in freezer as you might be next.

Don’t go into the second car.

 

If you're in a bathroom,

Toothbrush (stabbing weapon)

Cleaning chemicals to squirt in eyes.

How to attract attention in a house if your captive

Turn taps on a leave them running.

Laundry

 It has cords.

Iron (blunt force weapons)

Cleaning chemicals to set off the fire alarm.

Mop or broom long form defensive weapons.

Congratulations you just survived a horror movie and remember that these are only in fun and survival in a horror movie but can cause real harm however if your trapped in a horror movie this is how to survive,