Meditation and Manifestation my journey continues.

 This is a post that is again going to be very personal and it in a way follows my meditation manifestation journey. We see that people have an impact on us and this could be good or bad it wasn’t until I realized something important about myself that I realized why I couldn’t have romantic relationships that work.  But when I was doing a mediation last night after I had come home from a community event to go to sleep it was saying to trust your insight and I will as people need to be able to trust themselves and I see that this not being able to trust myself comes from when I hit someone in anger and that broke off a relationship that could have been happy serious relationships. 

Then I got busy with work and study and having ADHD and I good friendship group I wasn’t concerned as I realized with my medical conditions that it would not be a great idea for me to have children and this has been a great decision. But I see that I have company and friendships, but I am lacking a romantic companion and I would love to have one. 

I see that this stems from my sister having a new baby and I am the only single person in my family out of the siblings. It does sting when I am in bed writing on a Saturday and seeing that they have had family days out. I am not stopped in my housing facility from going anywhere but given that I don’t drive and the public transport where I live isn’t great it exists but it’s kind of bad that it’s not maintained and sometimes the buses don’t even turn up on time and taxies are expensive for me. 

Going back to the meditation lead me to have insight into my relationships with others after that as I did devalue myself after that I dove into work and study as I had several things that I was dealing with not only work but climbing out of some debt due to a car accident and working on upskilling and my work hours it wasn’t possible to meet people outside my circle and by then everyone had married off anyway so I was invited as I was in the friendship group. 

However, I see that this devaluing of myself lead to me not shooting my shot and trying to fit in and people-pleasing, one relationship sticks out in my mind, and it is a relationship I had with an Autistic male and let me say I hold nothing against him, but I realize I wasn’t the best person for him. I also want to say that I learned and educated myself on Autism, but I realize that he is one person with autism and is not reflective of the community. 

It was when there was a breakdown in his family and my family welcomed him into our home that I realized he hadn’t been given the guidance that was needed to navigate the world as an independent adult with a disability and I know that for some people this is possible and it’s possible to live independently as well. It’s not for everyone but it’s possible. I see that he wasn’t taught not to use his disability as an excuse and when called out on this would blow up like a teen. I had known him since he was a teen, but we had lost touch and he did mature, but when his gran died, he had not a lot of guidance. 

Let’s just say that this family seriously put the fun into dysfunction, and it wasn’t Ok. I wasn’t the girlfriend I was the support worker and I fundamentally misunderstood what a healthy romantic relationship looks like.  So, it wasn’t a great relationship. I am talking about this and in bringing it back to the mediation I see that it brought him to mind, and it wasn’t a great feeling when I thought about him. I didn’t intentionally harm him but did see that his mother did actively get in the way of him trying to have a social life outside of her “approved” list of friends. 

The family made fostering high complex needs children into a career and we need more foster caregivers, but I would have said that this family was not equipped to be a foster family at all and the moment the child aged out due to some diligent reporting but support workers and others the child was placed into a more needs appropriate disability facility.  As the family dysfunction wasn’t resolved either but it was just made worse, but I did what I could to navigate it and I realized that if I was serious about this relationship, it wasn’t a healthy family at all.  

So, this is what in the meditation my mind popped the question to me about what a healthy relationship is and why am I letting people devalue me in what I am trying to achieve, and I am letting people walk over me. I know that letting people in is very different to letting people walk all over you so I am now letting people know more of my story to understand where I am coming from and  to understand my point of view and why I seem to give off one of two vibes that I didn’t realise made me seem cold and distant one being I am masking and concentrating on what I am doing so I am giving don’t approach me vibes or I seem super needy . I am working on a middle ground between the two and there is a person who I have been crushing hard on as well. But haven’t had the courage to find out if they are into me as they where a thumb ring but I am not sure if they are aware of the signalling of it. 

Through the manifestation mediation I am finding that I am able to move forward but by letting this person go I see that this is removing some “energy” blocks in my life and I can move on and he can move on in his life he will be in some of my social groups but it’s easy enough to be polite to him but by releasing my expectations to the universe I see that this is a stepping stone to manifesting what I want and being willing to put in the work into it due to knowing that it’s not just going to land in my lap I am not going to get to 1000hr of watch time on YouTube if I don’t make new content. This is a very similar situation with the blog as well. 

So my question to myself and the universe is how many more energy blocks do I have before I am able to manifest a romantic relationship’s and I have started being honest about the state of my relationships and my deal in life and the reality is that often I do get the short  end of the deal and I simply accept it as I saw myself as a burden, annoying and the friend that got invited because it was polite. 

This thinking is slowly changing as I grow and mature as well. I will do another blog post and let’s see if the universe will provide me a romantic realtionship as I am trying to manifest one.