Lets get real the elephant in the room in disability accommodations.

 

I have started seeking professional help for my internet addiction and I am going to get help I have asked for help from my support team in the house that I live in and this means having a very controversial thing in a place called a restrictive practice and we see that it needs to be in place for me to be able to function and to be an active member of the house and to be aware that I am socially isolated but I at the same time am surrounded by people and we see that this is an issue that needs to be addressed that we are all connected but not at the same time.

We are connected to devices and not each other so I am going to be very intentional about seeking time off the internet and having screen-free time and this means going back to the drawing board.  this means looking for work so I am going to look at what is practical in my area as well as I am hamstrung because I  don’t drive so remote work is what works for me but then I am a people person so I think a balance of the two to be able to work well is a good thing. 

So what do people think I should do, I am thinking as I said in a previous post, I am thinking that I need to do odd jobs or is there something more focused that I could do, I think I would enjoy doing odd jobs such as pulling in people’s bins, walking the dog, checking the mail all little things that help time poor people.

I also see that the underlying issue here is twofold my self-worth has always been tied into what I can achieve as a person and can I be independent and being a person with a disability and chronic illness that are getting worse we see that we need to be very aware of this and to work towards having a realistic conversation around disability and work, and how people who have disabilities can work but are seen as a risk due to them having a disability.  

I feel like I have been pushed to the side because I have been so open about my views on pharmacy and medication and my views on disability. But I see that these are things I need to confront and work on as well and I have had very unhealthy parasocial bonds with some actors as I haven’t been putting the time in that I needed to with the blog and this more professional website but I am opening myself up to do speaking and other agreements as well. 

I feel like life is about balance and for me, it’s about having a much more healthy balance with the internet as I am finding that it’s affecting my sleep and this is where we see that it’s a very real issue called bed time revenge procrastination and internet addiction but my work is on the internet and I see that the internet is designed to be addictive and this is where I have got sucked in the first time during covid and now I  am getting sucked in again and I am not going to give up on love but we see that people need to be very aware that it exists and that we need to be able to work on it and work on me having healthy relationships and getting into nature again as well.

So, this means for me a full dopamine detox and this starts today with me giving phone and my devices to my support team and looking into a phone lock I didn’t think I needed it but I do.  I am also going to engage with some friends that I have just lost regular touch with and work on having a meet up in a park on Mondays as well and I will walk up to the park as well and to work on having a romantic interest in my life. I do know that my age is against me in this area but I am not giving up hope and I know that I am not going to find anyone sitting on a screen and typing all the time.

I have had romantic relationships in the past and felt that I was unlovable due to my behaviour’s but now I know that they are trauma based and that I am lovable I can see that I can put myself out their again.

I am also seeing that the construct of “purity” is outdated and I am going to be brave and out myself as well, so this is something that I have considered at length.   I am also going to be open with my readership that I have struggled with romance and physical intimacy all of my life as I was brought up in the Church of England and when I was a young adult got sucked into the Pentecostal movement and this fundamentally altered my views on relationships and physical intimacy and I feel that due to a combination of things my relationships where doomed to fail but due to a number of factors, one being that I was working anti-social hours and didn’t have the energy to date, that I live in a town that dating after 30 is consider weird, and the thing that I have struggled with due to my upbringing is that I am not exactly straight and this is scary to me as I am not exactly out to my family.
and

I am out to my friends and to some of my cousins and they support me, but I am scared to admit this to my family and to put myself out to date as I have attracted some very weird types of people. One being, a person making their move on me through Instagram and some of the things that he said were just weird.

 I don’t want to lower my expectations but I would like to have someone that has a little motivation so a job or a business or actively looking for work,  not living with mum or in the family home, willing to help me heal from trauma based relationships and would be prepared to work though my feelings to see what is attraction and what is ADHD based behaviour’s and being prepared to force me to be honest with myself.  As I have always retreated when things got serious or beyond having fun, or even moving onto a more “physical relationship” as I was taught that “ physical relationships are for marriage but I see that as long as it’s consensual and not hurting anyone we need to be able to admit that we are sexual beings and that this is something that needs to be addressed in people with disabilities that we have the same hormones as everyone else.

It's something that I see more and more that people with disabilities unless they are dating when they move into a disability facility, we see that people with disabilities aren’t encouraged to have romantic relationships and this is where I see that the addiction has come into play and I see that their would be someone out their for me and I am willing to get out and look for someone and to seek out my own happiness as well. 

I know that I have baggage but I think that we all have baggage that we need to deal with at times as well.  This being my physical disabilities and my struggles to be honest with myself and to attract good things into my life and I am a big believer in manifestation and I feel like putting this out to the universe that the universe will provide what I need and what I am asking for and I am ready for a romantic relationship and to have a physical relationship with someone, long term.   

In a border sense it’s something we need to have a discussion about is that disability doesn’t equal asexual but not having those ‘Physical needs” met in a healthy way can cause issues as well, in being frustrated it impacts on their physical and mental health.